Playing Polygoneer vaguely reminds me of John Wick fighting Iosef and his guards in the nightclub from his namesake 2014 film: bad guys from all sides getting shot while pretty shapes and colorful colors dance to bumpin’ music in the background. Polygoneer lacks the excitement and intensity that John Wick has however.

The principal reasons for this are that beating stages is extremely easy and the difficulty in each stage never ramps up. This means achieving high scores is an exercise of patience rather than skill and the world leaderboards are actually a list of the most insane people on Earth.

I tolerated each level for about 90 seconds, except for one which I only played for 10. This level, the last level, is appropriately titled and capitalized as “HELL”. If this is what Hell is actually like, I’ll never sin again. It’s a seizure-inducing, nauseating mess.

The final insult is when upon exiting the game, the screen flashes black and white for a quarter second. There is a warning on startup that this game is not for people who are prone to epilepsy. Heed that warning!

The only good and truly worthwhile aspect of Polygoneer is the music. Like I said before, it’s BANGIN’. Everything else ranges from boring to physically painful.

1/7

Credits